I Can't Meditate!

You: I can't meditate at all, I try to focus but I keep being distracted!

Your wise sensei in orange robes with a kind smile: that's literally what meditation is, bro. You're meditating. 

It's normal and expected to spend most of your meditation session distracted. If you manage to bring your attention back to whatever the point of focus you chose more than once in a session, that's literally infinity times better than not meditating at all.  

But I get it, it's demotivating to keep working on something and seeing no obvious improvements. If during fifteen minutes you successfully shifted your attention back only once or twice, and this number is not going up after meditating every day for more than a month, AND you notice no improvements at all in how you're handling stressful situations, or notice no insight regarding your thought and behavior patterns, maybe the kind of meditation you're doing is not compatible with the current state of your brain. 

Don't let the effort-avoiding, cope-seeking part of your brain use this as an excuse to detract you from your goals though, whatever those are. Meditation is simply an exercise in consciously shifting attention, there are thousands of ways to do it. I guarantee you will have better results with at least one of these:

• Go for a walk, observe the surroundings. If you notice an internal dialogue, gently redirect your attention back to your surroundings. You're meditating!
• Lie down, focus on relaxing each part of your body starting from your toes. If you notice an internal dialogue, gently redirect your attention back to relaxing whatever body part you remember relaxing last. Or start over, it really doesn't matter, as long as you exercise the redirecting-attention muscle. 
• Draw a purple neon triangle in your mind's eye. Look at it. Enjoy how pretty it is. If you notice an internal dialogue, draw it again. 
• Imagine a single bell chime. Listen to it. Try to make it last as long as you can. If you notice an internal dialogue, imagine it chiming again. 
• Focus on your breath. If you notice an internal dialogue, note the thought you had last, and observe whatever your brain does next. If you lose track of what your brain is doing, notice the fact that you noticed it, and keep observing. (An advanced version here.)
• Imagine a person you love sitting in front of you. Focus on the feeling of love.
• Focus on the feeling of your feet touching the floor. Or just your feet. Or your ears. Your back. Your genitalia. It might make you horny. You can focus on that too. 

You can come up with these yourself. You will feel when it's too easy to keep your attention on something, avoid those. It needs to be somewhat challenging. 

And remember to be nice to yourself, don't get mad if you keep being distracted — it's a good thing that you noticed the distraction, that's the goal of the exercise! Imagine your cute toddler self and pat yourself on the head for doing a good job. It's hard to be mad at your cute toddler self.